While I concur that your opinion is mostly correct, I would like to clarify the connection between the understanding of elderly and the solution. I think you could explain more on why the current solution is not apt for Korean society. I can see that the lack of tolerance of the elderly is one of the underlying causes, but it is not easy to identify this point immediately. Also I think you could change the topic sentence, “attention is unwelcome for pregnant women because the elderly are nonchalant” because the elderly being nonchalant and getting attention does not seem to be related so much. It would be a better essay if you could recise some of those points.